Feeling fat, seeing fat, being fat.

So as you can probably tell I have failed on my weight loss journey so far. I really want to lose a few pounds before Disney World and I can’t seem to give up my emotions for food. As many of you know my employment status changed just before Christmas and to say that it sent my depression into an even further downward spiral would be an understatement, I gained pounds, lost self confidence and even at one point lost my love for life. In January our countdown towards Disney shortened and Caroline & I began our weight loss journeys. We know that we can do it when we are in the right frame of mind because we have done it before although this time we are older, we are bigger and I personally feel a lot more afraid of the journey.

It is very true to say that I feel comfort from my favourite foods, if I am upset it may not just be chocolate I reach for it could be anything. But I have noticed that it is not just feeling sad that makes me reach for food. Now I wish my oh my I could be someone that goes off of their food when they are worried and drop 10 pounds but nope you will find me and my concerns in a papa johns pizza box, with a tub of ben & jerry’s crying into my spoon. Now I feel like I have strangely become attached to my fat but loathe it at the same time. As it’s not easy or quick to lose weight I spit my dummy out and reach for something that quite frankly I should be backing the hell away from. It has been so long since I have been a size 10 hell even a size 12 that I am so frightened that I will never reach my goal that I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone to try and achieve it. It feels like a never ending story.

I know that there are those who are overweight and love their curves and are at one with their body shape but me? I was simply not meant to carry this weight, I have stretch marks on my arms, my sides, my legs, my stomach this is not normal and it makes me so desperately sad when I look in the mirror. Not just because of the weight that I have gained but also because the parts of Hayley that I have lost along the way, I would always be daring with my clothes and I loved loved loved wearing pretty dresses in the summer time. Now I feel that I have to hide my shameful habits in layers of clothes and typically leggings and jumpers. The self confidence and love for myself that took a long time to develop has now disappeared.

I am going to try and start my weight loss journey again and try to surround myself with positive people, people who will be shouting “YES HAYLEY PICK UP THAT APPLE” not just “HAYLEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING EATING CHOCOLATE” because I feel that positive influences will be a much bigger help than the negative restrictions. I want to say thank you to Sarah for being so great at being positive, you are always there with useful suggestions and also a thank you to Caroline who has heard me crying down the phone because of this issue many times, sometimes talking, crying and eating chocolate at the same time (I know I am my own worst enemy).

I hope that you will come along and support me and send me positive tweets, comments using the hashtag #dietfordisney. Have you battled with your relationship with food? I would love to chat with you πŸ™‚

T-T-F-N

Hayley xxxx

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